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What you allow is what will continue

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By Constance van Niekerk in SA 
I think some women have simply become helplessly stupid or altogether crazy. The previous generations of women were made of sterner stuff. They dealt with their marital woes in silence and made their decisions after consultation with a few chosen family members and friends. Whether these decisions were right or wrong that’s another matter. Some ended up dying of HIV or Hypertension leaving their spouses to enjoy life with their mistresses. It all comes down to what do you allow in your life?

I find some of the relationship problems posted on social networks ridiculous and an insult to women.

“Dear Aunt. Please hide my identity. I came to my house after three months at college to discover used condoms in my bedroom and blood stained sheets. There were also another woman’s clothes in our bedroom. I asked my husband for an explanation but he beat me up and told me he doesn’t love me anymore and I must leave. I don’t have any children with him but I love him very much. So I just quietly washed the sheets. Please help me. What can I do?” This woman didn’t leave the man. She is still staying with him and she complains that he doesn’t even give her any money anymore. He hasn’t touched her ever since. The fact that she stayed after all this is evidence that she has made a decision. So, what else does she want to hear from strangers? If she wanted to leave she would have done so the very day she arrived from college.

A woman whose boyfriend only visits her when he wants to sleep with her will still say, “I really love him. What can I do?” It’s clear that the guy is using you. He is playing disappearing tricks with you, playing hide and seek with your heart. You are not married to him, but there you are asking for advice, “I love him very much. Please help. Hidey”.

“I broke up with my boyfriend and got pregnant for another guy I met. My ex came back to me saying he still loved me. We got back together but later broke up because of his baby mamma. I went back to my baby daddy. Now my ex says that he still loves me. We go to movies together and we spend time with each other. I know it’s wrong but we are not intimate. I still love him please don’t judge me. What must I do? Hidey”. How can a woman play see – saw with her heart like that?

“Dear Aunty Rhoda. Please post as Hidey. I’m in a relationship with a divorced man. Ever since he got a job that pays well, he has changed. He blocked me on WhatsApp and told his friends that our relationship was over. I don’t understand this sudden change. I got so stressed that I miscarried our baby. I used to pray and fast for this guy when he had problems. I don’t know what to do please help me. ”

Seriously? Are these problems from the Hideys for real or are group admins making up stories just to keep the groups ‘alive’?

If they are for real, why would a woman treat her heart like a punching bag? If you do not protect your own heart, who must protect it for you? The saying that men are children is so true. A woman must train a man in the manner in which she wants him to treat her, if she allows him to walk all over her, ill treating her and disrespecting her, that is precisely what he will continue to do. Do not let unacceptable behaviour carry on no matter how small.

A man  who does not respect your feelings can not possibly love you. It’s necessary to set standards for yourself. There is need to draw a line and not just take any rubbish thrown at you. Today’s woman can not empower tomorrow’s woman if she herself is in need of empowering. The time is now.

The saying, “What you allow is what will continue.” Is very true. Allow only that you want to continue.

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About Constance van Niekerk

Constance van Niekerk, (Connie V) is a creative writer, poet, music lover, spoken word artist, freelance writer, blogger and educator. She has contributed to several anthologies and published her own collection, Echoes of My Heart: A Poetry Collection available for purchase on all Amazon Stores Worldwide. Follow her on Twitter : @convanniekerk Connect with her on Facebook and Linkedin.



  1. Pingback: Dear Sister | Afrique Beat - Jan 26, 2021

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